The past few nights I haven’t been able to sleep. I’ve been crying myself to sleep the past 3 nights. I’ve been feeling this sadness inside me. But what hurts me the most is having someone lay in bed next to me completely oblivious to anything and everything going on with me these past couple nights. How can someone so close to you not notice? Why do I feel so alone?
10 January 2019
Today I started my day earlier than I usually do. I woke up feeling like today was going to be a good day and I could possibly get a lot of things done before the end of the day. Well, I thought wrong. It’s not even 1PM yet and my day has already gone to shit.
See, that’s the thing about going through depression.. or at least with me and my depression, one little thing can ruin my day.
I feel like I give so much of myself to the people in my life. But I always feel like it goes unnoticed. I feel like I cherish certain relationships with certain people only to feel like that feeling is not returned. I feel like when I am actually trying with certain people they don’t really care or it just goes unnoticed. I try to be nice and I try to let a lot of things go, but as a human being I have my limits too. How long do I have to try to let things slide before it starts to get old? How long do I have to try and just look at the positive side of things until things look and feel like it’s actually getting better?
I HATE living with depression. I have a good life, I have so many things to be grateful for and I have been blessed with the best parents. I don’t want to say that it isn’t enough, but I just feel so empty. I feel so lost.
I’ve learned that it’s okay to be open with depression. It took a lot for me to realize I have been going through depression. I hate keeping it to myself and I’ve learned that with depression it’s okay to tell people. They say it’s a big step to admit to others that you have depression and it was hard for me to admit that I am going through it. So when I opened up to certain people and I didn’t get any support it made me want to isolate myself even more. My depression created thoughts in my mind. “These people don’t care about you and they are not here for you!”
I try to tell myself that not everyone has experienced depression or know of anyone who has gone through depression. So I am trying to not take it too personal that they can’t be here for me. When I first started to try and be open about my depression and anxiety I knew I couldn’t keep it to myself forever. So I did try to reach out to people. The first person I reached out to was someone who I knew had been going through it for years. It felt so good to have someone validate what I was feeling. It felt good to know that I wasn’t alone. Eventually I decided the next step was to tell friends. But things didn’t go the way I expected. When you tell friends who are actually in the medical field, you kind of expect them to understand or at least try to care. I didn’t get that… I guess I expected too much since the first person I told really made me feel like it was okay that I am going through depression. I just thought they would understand. The first time I opened up I only talked about my anxiety and they gave me some advice and they made me feel like it was okay, that there was nothing wrong with feeling anxiety. The second time I admitted to having depression they all kind of just stood there with nothing to say. I don’t know what I expected them to say and I figured I just caught them off guard. So the third time I tried to open up I got the same reaction. So now I just try to isolate myself from them. I know it’s not healthy for someone with depression to isolate themselves, but how do you continue to keep up with those relationships when you just feel like what you’re going through doesn’t matter to them? I just no longer feel included like I’m part of the group. I just feel like I shouldn’t be around because my depression might be a downer on them. Like I said, I just thought they’d understand.
I know that there are people out in the world who have bigger problems than me and I know that there are people dealing with tougher shit that I am. But it would be nice to have some support. I know I can’t make someone understand depression. But some days it would be nice to have someone to lean on when certain days feel extra heavy.
(How original right?)
Every year after Christmas everyone starts to look back at their year. They look back at all the memories the past year has brought them and look forward to what the New Year has to offer.
This year, I started reflecting on my year once August came and I couldn’t wait for the year to be over. 2018 has brought me so much joy, sadness, happiness, highs, and lows. But really, what 2018 has made me realize is that I really have lost myself as a person. I can’t even begin to describe everything I’ve been through this year… every feeling I’ve felt. Towards the end of this year my eyes have really opened to help me realize what the most important things are that I need to focus on, who the most important people are in my life, and what and who I want to be surrounded by. 2018 has probably been one of the toughest years in the last 26 years of my life. I went through a lot of lows this year. but I’m still here… I’m still living, breathing, and still loving. One good thing about reaching your lowest is that there is nowhere else to go but up.
I have a lot to be grateful for, I have the best parents I could ever ask for and I have a loving boyfriend. I don’t want to seem like I’m whining or anything because I am lucky enough to live the life I am living.
This year my family and I traveled to Thailand and the Philippines. Those are trips I’ll never forget because Justin got to vacay with us, he met my relatives there, and it was also the first trip we made back to the Philippines with out my Lola. I don’t think it will ever be the same with out her. Life will never feel the same with out her. This year we spent our 4th Christmas without her. I just miss her so much. You never really know how important someone is in your life until you lose that person.
This year I also graduated! I was so excited to finally be done with school. But after graduating and moving back home, I felt lost… I had been going to school for so many years since I was 5 years old that once I finally met the goal I ended up with post-grad depression. YES, post-grad depression is a real thing.
I’ve also been diagnosed with anxiety and depression this year. I think at some point in our lives we all feel some anxiety and depression but this year mine just felt different… I just really didn’t feel like myself. I felt like I was outside of my own body, if that makes any sense. Mental health is so important and I didn’t realize it until things had just gotten too much for me. (Don’t worry I’m not suicidal and have never been.) I’m just happy to have the support system I have, if it wasn’t for my support system I don’t know how things would have gone. What sucks is when you reach out for help and the people you reach out to can’t help you. But because of them, I have found the people who are truly there for me. Self-care is important and in the New Year I plan to focus on my self-care and my mental health. I want to be open with my feelings, my experiences, my highs, my lows, and my mental health because honestly it feels good just to be open about it. Even I have no one to hear me out, why not try to reach out to the world!? There has to be people out there that can understand the shit I’ve been going through. Even if no one else reads this it feels good just typing all this out like it’s a journal.
2018 honestly just really sucked and 2019 seems even scarier but I will do anything it takes to help improve my mental health. I pray that 2019 brings lots of love, good health, prosperity, joy, and happiness.
So 2019, please be kind. I’m ready for what the New Year has for me… I hope. (*fingers crossed)